In our society failure is viewed as a sign of weakness, and is unacceptable. Regardless if we come from a highly-successful family or a family of dysfunction. This instills fear in us down to our very core, that we HAVE to be high-achievers like our parents—or better yet our siblings—or we put this overwhelming amount of pressure on ourselves that we HAVE to be better than where we came from.

For me I didn’t come from a family of success, I grew up in poverty surrounded by drugs and alcohol. There was no ambition or guidance on how to be successful in life. This made me determined that one day I would make something of myself and be able to give my children the life I never had. I was so determined to break the cycle, that if I fell flat on my face or even stumbled, my life as I knew it was over.

Failure can be incapacitating. It holds you back from putting yourself out there and make you give up on your dreams, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In this week’s blog post I share with you the five things to stop doing in times of failure to find success.

Five things to stop doing in times of failure to find success.

Stop living in fear of failure.

An old mentor once asked me, “Do you know what fear stands for?” I really didn’t know how to answer that—I mean I knew what fear was but I truly had no idea of where she was going with it. She said to me, “Fear is false evidence appearing real.” Let that sink in for a minute—FEAR. False. Evidence. Appearing. Real.

We replay our fears in our minds over and over to the point where we have ourselves convinced that they are gospel! Eventually the fear of failure overrides any ambition to succeed, and here you are left afraid, afraid to put yourself out there because What if I fail?, but the better question is—What if you don’t?

Stop the negative self-talk.

We are all guilty of this, we are our own worst critics! When things go wrong we start to internalize and beat ourselves up for things that may or may not have been within our control. We call ourselves failures, and make false accusations against ourselves. I’m worthless, I’m such an idiot, I’ll never amount to anything… and we fall into the trap of negative-self talk.

What you think and say becomes a reality. By saying such negative things to ourselves we are affirming those very words in our minds as truth, causing us to unconsciously make decisions to back up those thoughts. This leads to more hardships, more undesirable situations and more chaos! Stop punishing yourself—You are worthy, you are strong and you will get through this!

Stop worrying what other people think.

The truth is we value the opinions of others and often seek their approval to determine our self-worth. We end up making decisions based on the fear of being judged and hesitate to put ourselves out there because What will they think of me? This leads to having a low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence, causing us to question every little thing about ourselves and hey! more negative self-talk.

I’ve walked away from conversations replaying them in my mind over and over again, leaving me worried about what the other person thinks of me. I didn’t make decisions for myself because I sought the validation of others and acted as if I needed their approval to live my life. I’ve hesitated on speaking about topics I’ve felt very passionate about because I was worried of the backlash that might come with it. But in the famous words of Rachel Hollis—Someone else’s opinion of you is NONE of your business!

Stop comparing yourself to others.

As we mindlessly scroll our social media feeds, it’s easy to get caught up in the comparison game. We only see what others want us to see and I’ll be honest with you, their lives aren’t always as perfect as they seem. We often find ourselves comparing the strengths of others to our weaknesses, causing us to develop feelings of inadequacy or shame; driving us to be unmotivated and lose our self-confidence. Just because someone may be further in life than you, or seems to have it all together, doesn’t make your life less valuable!

After my miscarriages it seemed that everyone around me was having successful, healthy pregnancies, and I was envious. I started to develop feelings of resentment towards them because they were living the life I’ve always dreamt of. Those feelings made it impossible for me to be happy for them and only instilled it in my heart that it was no longer an option for me. I fell into a deep depression, drank almost every day, and made myself miserable. As Theodore Roosevelt once said—Comparison is the thief of joy!

Stop trying to be perfect.

Everything that I have mentioned so far, fear of failure, negative self-talk, worrying about what others think of you and comparing yourself to them all pertain to an underlying desire to be perfect. I hate to break it to you, but there is no such thing so stop putting pressure on yourself to be. Trying to be perfect all the time is just setting yourself up for more failure!

Overcoming perfectionism isn’t something I’ve quite yet mastered, but I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable by putting myself out there. In the last year I didn’t publish half of the content I started because I was so focused on making it perfect. I took away my voice and the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others sooner rather than later. You can put yourself out there and give it your best without having to be perfect, in the words of Brene Brown—Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best!

In times of failure we are guilty of self-sabotage. The five things I mentioned above are not only ways you are sabotaging yourself, but also ways you are giving away your power, allowing it to control you. Take your power back by putting yourself out there, shifting your mindset away from negative self-talk and by not allowing yourself to worry about what other people think. Embrace your failures as opportunities for growth, give yourself some grace and look at how far you’ve come; celebrate the victories! Live a life of patience and gratitude, be thankful for what you have now, with hard work and perseverance the rest will follow—You just have to keep getting back up!