Faith Over Fear After Loss

Almost a year ago we were in the ER for the second time less than 24-hours before this picture was taken.

This trip to the ER went differently than the first, we didn’t get to have an ultrasound to ease our pain and worry of knowing that our little one was okay. Our hearts sank as the doctor spoke the words ‘threatened miscarriage’ and there wasn’t anything they could do besides send me home and for me to rest.

The thought crossed my mind, for the second time, to cancel our photoshoot because of my previous history of miscarriages. How could I pretend to be happy when I knew what the outcome would be? For those of you who do not know, six years ago I had a non-viable pregnancy and was forced to terminate. I found myself on a very dark path of heavy self medication—more than I ever had before. Which nearly destroyed me.

A year later, I found my sobriety and took back the power alcohol had over me and my life. While there was more loss to come, throughout my recovery journey I reconnected in my faith and hung on by a thread, but didn’t give in to that temptation.

But this time, I remember telling my other half that I didn’t think I had the mental capacity to go through that yet again. I was not only terrified of losing another child, I was terrified of not being strong enough and end up back at the bottom of the bottle. Even though he never knew that side of me, he knows how important my sobriety is to me, and the threat that potential loss could be to everything I worked so hard to achieve.

However, he wouldn’t let me go through with canceling our photoshoot. He helped remind me of my faith, that we didn’t know what would happen, and if we didn’t lose the baby, I would regret not capturing that moment forever.

He was absolutely right! (Please don’t tell him that!)

Seven month later we welcomed our beautiful baby girl into this world and I will forever admire this photoshoot because what most people see is a happy couple making a pregnancy announcement, but what we see is courage, strength, and faith!

To all the women out there who have endured the loss of a child, I hear your cries.

To all the women out there who turned to self-medication as a result of that loss, I understand your pain.

To all the women out there enduring multiple losses holding onto their faith, I feel your strength.

To all the partners out there supporting their significant others, I see you.

I share this today not only because October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month but October 15th is World Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

To all the littles lost, you will forever be in our hearts. 💗💙